Lifeline (brief!)

My name is von, I am 30 years old & a blessed mummy to 2 stunning but very different girls!

Daisy-Rae is the newest addition to the family, now at 9 months of age she is on the move and fearless!!

lilly-mae, my eldest, just turned 7 (with a attitude more apt for a 17 year old!) and my saviour!

lilly-mae aka Flo! I honestly believe, gave me a second chance in life, up until the pregnancy I had somehow managed to live what can only be described as a colourful life!

At the age of 13, my mum and dad finalised their divorce ( on the grounds of adultry! My father had been having an affair that even now, I’m none the wiser as to it’s length of run before exposure!) and my mum packed us up and moved us to the only place she could! Nan and grandads! She wanted to go home! I started a new school, made new friends and chose, unfortunately for those surrounding me and of course myself (that realisation came much later in life however!) to push my luck so to speak!!

I started of small of course, playing up in class, back-chatting my grandparents and mum! That quickly escalated into smoking and suspension from school!

Not long after moving away, my father decided to “disown” me, in his words! Still to this day I don’t really know why nor do I care much now, I did of course, infact looking back, it broke my heart and if I were honest, it was from that moment on that I seemed to change, almost like I had lost a bit of myself, I lost my innocence!

The rebelling went from bad to worse and within 10 years I had managed to maintain numerous drug habits, I had gained and lost many jobs! I had learned a number of ways to survive and cater to a lifestyle that was neither healthy or mentally advisable by any standards!! But worst of all, I had lost the relationship I had with my mum! I was no longer her little girl, I had moved out not long after passing my GCSE’s (with flying colours!!!) and gone to live with a man 15 years my senior & a like minded drug addict!

I stayed with this man for 7 long years, suffering broken bones, bruises and mental torture day in day out!!! After going back to the only place I would ever really call home and begging my mum for help, I got myself back on tack, clean as a whistle and motivated! I worked 3 jobs, 2 in the local hospital and 1 in the only local club on a Friday and Saturday night! I was flying high!

Some months past and as sad as it is now to admit, I became restless, I returned to ex boyfriend and again began to walk on that dark dead end road, the only thing on my mind was drugs and money ! After another year or so of preventing destiny both the boyfriend and I had a sort of enlightment! We both realised enough was enough and decided to go! To leave the area! To travel! To find ourselves! So, again, we put our head to make money but this time with the intention of saving it and using it to venture! We managed to accumulate just over £10,000 (not one penny was gained from a legal or earned way!) We set of, first stop, Thailand! We had previously discussed our relationship status and agreed that this journey would either make or break us! Without going into to much detail, it broke us! I spent the majority of my 6months in south east Asia volunteering with ex working elephants and dog kennels for the strays! I loved it! I loved life again! I loved me! The boyfriend and I returned to uk together but went our separate ways on arrival home!

A year or so went by, and again, as always, I began to became anxious, normality just seemed to be so restricted to me and in all honesty it was almost like a escape to yet again enter into the world of drugs and crime! I was however slightly more aware of the risks that came hand in hand with any type of drug relations by that point, still at the young age of 22 I found myself addicted to yet another drug, and to fund the habit instead of using my wages that had become essential to survive in my own flat, I began to sell my drug of choice to others! Again, I won’t go into to much detail but after a year or so of what I thought was flying high, I became desperate, chasing money again and forever on the look for a way to make a quick quid!

I done something that year that even now I am not very comfortable talking about, I abused the position of work I had been given, I betrayed an elderly lady, I acted in the most selfish and utterly disgusting manor any human could possibly act! I stole from a lady that trusted me enough to allow me into her home! Justice was however served and I was caught red handed and sent to prison. It was then that I found out I was pregnant!

I spent 6 weeks of a 6 month sentence in hmp bronzefield, the worst 6 weeks of my life, but by far, the most enlightening and awakening time I have yet experienced!

I left prison and continued to make the best of the mess I had caused myself! The father was more like a one night stand then anything more, but would soon became what I would now describe as my ‘addiction’, he is also the father to my second daughter. More on that another time!

So that’s it basically, a quick run through of the last 20 years of my life, of course, a lot is missing but I don’t want to dwell on the past, that’s not why I have started this!! I feel as though my life now is a million miles away from that life I had back then, almost unbelievable to think it’s all even happened to me!

My babies are my life now, my mum and her devotion to me over the years finally paid off! I love my mum and I thank her silently every day for not giving up on me as I did myself at one point! And the standard restlessness that seemed all to familiar back then, well, it doesn’t even get a chance anymore, not with these 2 mini-me’s running round!!!

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